The Multi-Faceted, Very Fractured Gay Identity

I have been thinking about this post a lot ever since I read it. The sentence that really stuck with me was the opening one: "As gay men and lesbians get closer and closer to the mainstream they've often traded in their image as the queer radicals who started the Stonewall Riots for the milquetoast assimilationists who want to get married and have kids and put HRC bumper stickers on their cars."

Now, I get that the author is generalizing in the interest of getting on to the main point of his post, but I do sense a little condescension there. Are all gay people supposed to be "queer radicals" because that is somehow better and more worthy than being married with kids and an HRC bumper sticker on your station wagon? I doubt we ever were all radicals, and I don't think we should be expected to be that way now. There are lots and lots of facets to gay identity not every gay person should have to embrace every single one.

At some point, I would like to be in a committed relationship and have a life that is more domestic than the one I have now. Does that make me a "milquetoast assimilationist" or hopelessly conventional? I hope not, but maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing if it did. I think it's okay if that's where a person finds happiness. I like going out and seeing and being seen now, but I expect my happiness with that lifestyle will really drop off as I get older. And let's face it -- I have never been pioneering or convention-bustingl

Just as I've never considered myself the kind of gay guy who is going to swish his way into your apartment and declare "Makeover, girlfriend!", I am not the very militant sort of gay man who thinks straight people are the enemy and calls society "heterosexist." I like to think of myself as a person who happens to be gay; being gay is a part of my identity, but I don't think it's an all-enveloping, all-consuming element of my personhood. I reject the idea that every gay man has to be some sort of radical agitator or has to constantly be making an overt political statement. (Notice I said "overt," becuase that's an important qualifier.)

Now, it's very true that I have the luxury of feeling this way because a lot of activists have already done the hard work for me and have helped create a culture that, for the most part, doesn't discriminate against gay people as much as it used to. It's because of their hard work and sacrifice that I can't be refused housing because I date men, for example, and (in most states) can't be fired from my job because I am gay. It's also probably true that day to day, I come into contact mostly with polite, educated people who have been brought up to be compassionate and respectful. If I lived somewhere else or had a job in a different line of work, I might encounter more discrimination and harassment and thus would have a very different take on things.

That being said, I do believe in the theory that the accumulation of small actions really adds up and makes an impression on people around you. Because I take education and work seriously, don't sleep with every guy I find mildly attractive and try, in general, to be a good and contributing member of society, I think that goes a long way towards undoing stereotypes and earning the respect of people who meet me. (Wow, that sounds incredibly pious. Maybe a better thing to say would be that because I don't match the hyper-exaggerated stereotype of a gay man, people who meet me might realize the stereotype is just that -- a stereotype). Basically, I think every act, no matter how small, can be a political statement in its own quiet way. You don't have to have a banner and a megaphone to make a point.

I think about this thing kind of a lot, actually, because I find gay identity is very hard to pin down. We get angry if a straight guy uses the term "fag," but then we call each other "homo" and "queer."* We say "We're just like you," but then we throw parades where men in leather jockstraps dance on floats designed to look like dicks. We supposedly abhor stereotypes, but like it when people reward us for playing into the idea that gay men say things like "fierce," are always very sassy and provocative and know how to shop (perhaps because we like the attention we get and welcome the idea that it's a unique, non-conforming identity that is neither female nor straight male?).

Basically, I am not offering any answers here, just food for thought.

*Yes, there is the idea that we are taking the power away from those slurs by appropriating them for our own use, but that theory makes me uncomfortable. Frankly, I don't feel like those terms are worth having back. Prim? Sure, but it's just how I feel.